What Rhymes with Berk
by Eraversible
Summary: When Hiccup H. Haddock had signed up for summer camp, he'd had fun, sun and excitement in mind. At no point had he'd envisioned he'd be humiliated, blind folded and tied to a complete stranger in an abandoned cabin.
**What Rhymes with Berk**

Apparently nothing brought people together quite like the prospect of co-ed bunking. It seemed that the thirst for exploration and reckless endangerment was a commonplace trait amongst the hormone imbalanced population of Burgess. The place was crawling with youths. They made quite the sight, ranging from the alarmingly tender age of twelve to the broad backed stubble face twenty somethings, some of whom eyed juniors with an air badly concealed mirth. No doubt they were making silent judgements on which of the youngsters would make for the optimal punching bag. From his secluded perch above the ration supply Jack let his head fall forward with a weary sigh.

What had he been thinking? This was no place for a jokester like himself. The other boys were more likely to shove his face into the dirt than indulge the teen in some harmless tom foolery.

It occurred to him suddenly that signing himself up for a camp retreat impulsively in the hopes of making actual IRL friends, after barely glancing at the worn bulletin board may not have been his brightest of ideas. Especially after taking a second glance confirmed the shoddily done stapling, in a fashion not dissimilar to a third grader.

A sharp cry drew Jack's attention to a huddle of boys assembled next to the field.

* * *

"Get off of me, Snoutlout!"

"What's the matter Hiccup? Sheep love grass. Come on, eat up! It's good for you," a husky voice jeered.

If not for the hand firmly gripping the strands of his hair and pushing it down, Snotlout would have been graced with the full extent of his cousin's glower. Hiccup sighed in agitation. Why hadn't he told Astrid to come again? The blonde hellion would have put Snotlout in his place… and proceeded to mother him for the duration of the training camp. Sure Hiccup was grateful to have someone looking out for him but Astrid had a tendency to overdo it, she'd be his shadow and pretty much chaperone his every move. Lately she'd taken to monitoring his diet and as much as he loved being reminded of the merits of a good protein shake and a long brisk jog, he actually enjoyed the freedom of tinkering by himself. He could avoid the disapproving eyes of his father and get some of his assignments done all in the comfort of Gobber's metal shop.

"This is boring. Make him eat it already," whined one of Snotlout's loathsome friends.

" _See what happens when you're too proud Hiccup?"_ A reprimanding voice chimed in his head sounding alarmingly like Astrid. Like he'd asked to be saddled with his thick headed cousin.

The boy had been taken aback by his dad's enthusiasm. He'd never seen Stoick show that much interest in his life, the man had been thrilled, a genuine spark had ignited in his eyes hearing of his son's desires to be involved in the outdoors, not realising the teen had been planning to use the opportunity to collect materials and craft them for his inventions. The section he'd shown to his father about making weapons and other interesting devices are what had drawn Hiccup's attention to begin with. He hadn't planned on his dad being so enthused about the prospect of his small progeny becoming skilled in the art of weaponry that he'd run off and tell some of his relations. After that it was pretty much widespread gossip amongst his small town. Hiccup was none too happy to find that he was the centre of attention, word of Stoick's little mistakes trip to camp being the highlight of everyone's jokes. Unfortunately, while some were laughing their asses off at the image of his tiny body attempting to wield weaponry, some had taken it as an indirect challenge to their children's manhood. Some people being his uncle.

Uncle Spitelout was intrigued by the camp as well as what skills it might bring for his own son. So it was that less than a week after telling his dad, Hiccup came home to a big procession from the town, who informed him that not only was he being accompanied on his one chance at freedom away from home but that he would be stuck with his loudmouth, numb-skull, terror of a cousin for the next four months. You'd think that would have sent him over the edge but it had been the shit eating grin on Snotlout's smug face that had brought the full force of the hammer down on Hiccup's unsuspecting face. It was a look that told him, "You're looking at your worst nightmare. You can't escape little fish. You've lost. Thanks for playing."

Which brought them right back to the present, with Snoutlout's muscular arm wrapped firmly around his neck and Hiccup struggling to get out of his grip, to little effect. As much as it pained him, Hiccup thought the best solution may be to play dead. Figuring that maybe if he stopped thrashing about his cousin might actually grow tired of tormenting him for the day once his source of entertainment stopped responding or that or one of the many boys milling about somewhere in the vicinity would spot them and take pity on his small stature, he allowed himself to go slack. It seemed to work. As no sooner had his lithe body slumped, one of the boys' spoke.

"Hey Snotlout, I think little Hiccy has gone to sleep."

"What? No way." Hiccup bit back a groan as Snotlout jostled him roughly. "Lame. I swear my cousin is the biggest shrimp in the world." The three boys sniggered amongst themselves. Hiccup remained still but on the inside he was he fuming. What exactly had he done to any of them to warrant this? He'd always made to stay out of Snotlout's way, everyone's way really, as most people from his town rarely took him seriously unless Gobber had asked him to run an errand for them. Entrusting him with equipment was one of the few things he was generally entrusted to deal with. Usually keeping under the town's radar wasn't a difficult task, and yet his cousin, his friends not too far behind him, always managed to single him out.

"Hey! I saw a cabin over by that creek on the bus on our way over here." He definitely did not like where this was going. "How about we lock him in it? That way when he wakes up we can see if he freaks outs and the counselor's has to take him home when he wets himself."

Despite his all his previous thoughts up until this moment and the many rants he'd had to interrupt midway from Astrid, Hiccup had never considered his cousin's treatment of him cruel. If asked to pinpoint the level of aggravation he'd been subjected to, he'd tick the box that read, "Needlessly mean-spirited with a dash of juvenile sadism," because while being shoved in his own locker wasn't exactly a fun time, neither was it the most traumatising thing that he'd ever experienced.

So with this in mind, he waited on baited breath for his Snoutlout's reply.

"No way man."

Hiccup cheered internally.

"I say we strip him down to his underwear, tie him to one of the beds and let the loser that stumbles across him run to the counselors and let them deal with that mess. I'd pay to see his dad's face when he hears about that," Snotlout said laughing loudly, not noticing the thundering heartbeat of the figure in his arms as Hiccup's brain came to a jarring halt, the elder boy's words ringing painfully in his ears.

Overwhelmed with a feeling of dejection, the pretense of the teen's prone body became all too real and he almost resigned himself to his fate, if not for the addition of a fourth voice registering dimly in the background.

"Hey, here's a third option? How about you let go of the kid and I beat the shit out of all three of you asswipes?"

* * *

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed the story so far. It's been a while since I've published on this site.

Cheers,

Eraversible


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